Incomplete sentences

Do not leave any sentences incomplete. If you don’t know how to end a sentence, then don’t write anything at all. For example, do not write:

People work hard every day and are usually…

When a sentence is incomplete, it sends a very bad message to the reader—it signals that you lack the grammar and vocabulary to express your thoughts. There are two ways of avoiding this problem. First, you can eliminate the sentence entirely: don’t write anything! Second, you can simplify:

People work hard every day.

It’s true that the sentence above is not a brilliant display of academic writing; however, at least it is complete.

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Eliminating "of"s

Simplifying your writing will often make it sound more natural. You can do this by eliminating the preposition of whenever possible. For example, here are two phrases that are perfect candidates for this kind of simplification:

durability of product
process of manufacturing

There’s no good reason to use of if you can simplify by using one word as an adjective:

product durability
manufacturing process

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However

Do not use the word however to connect two separate sentences—this is not possible. For example, the following sentence is incorrect:

Leather shoes are expensive however they will last a long time if we take care of them properly.

There are two possible corrections:

Leather shoes are expensive. However, they will last a long time if we take care of them properly.
Leather shoes are expensive; however, they will last a long time if we take care of them properly.

Notice that we use however as a transitional phrase at or near the beginning of a sentence. We also use it after a semicolon (;) to introduce a contrasting idea.

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Three useful phrases for the TOEFL essay

Here are three phrases well worth memorizing:

have a direct effect on something
have an impact on something
to play a role in something

And here’s how they are used:

Tax policy has a direct effect on a country’s economy.
Continued climate change will have a lasting impact on the planet.
Teachers play a very important role in the education of our children.

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Affect vs. Effect

Be sure not to confuse affect and effect. Affect is a verb; effect is a noun. Examples:

Dr. Searle’s philosophy course had a profound effect on my worldview.

Dr. Searle’s philosophy course profoundly affected my worldview.

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Transitional phrase problem

One student recently wrote an essay that contained four body paragraphs. Here’s how each paragraph began:

Body paragraph 1: To begin with, performance-enhancing drugs...
Body paragraph 2: If harmful drugs were allowed in sports...
Body paragraph 3: Second, while it is true that athletes...
Body paragraph 4: Finally, there are ethical implications...

Do you see what the problem is? Here’s a hint: transitional phrases. One potential problem is that the second paragraph doesn’t begin with a transitional phrase. The main problem, however, is that the writer begins the third paragraph with the transitional phrase second. (Second should be used to introduce the writer’s second main point, not the third one.) It’s essential that transitional phrases are used in the proper order. Correct is this:

Body paragraph 1: To begin with, performance-enhancing drugs...
Body paragraph 2: Second of all, if harmful drugs were allowed in sports...
Body paragraph 3: Third, while it is true that athletes...
Body paragraph 4: Finally, there are ethical implications...

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A one-sentence paragraph?

Here is a paragraph from an essay:

Spending billions of dollars on a Mars expedition is counterproductive; it is something we cannot afford, especially because we have more urgent problems to tackle.

Here is another paragraph:

Moreover, because the benefits of a Mars mission both vague and undefined, it is important to consider whether the risks of such a mission are worth really taking.”

The problem is that a one- or two-sentence paragraph is not possible. A one-sentence paragraph is simply not enough to develop an idea fully. A Short Guide to College Writing gives students excellent advice about paragraph length: “Although a paragraph can contain any number of sentences, two is probably too few, and ten might be too many.”

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Transitional phrases at the beginning of topic sentences

A topic sentence is the first sentence of a paragraph in the essay body. When you write a topic sentence, try to begin with a transitional phrase. Here are some examples that you can use at the beginning of your first topic sentence:

first of all, first and foremost, for starters, in the first place, for one thing, to begin with.

Here are some possible transitions for the second topic sentence:

second, second of all, more importantly, another key point is that…

How to use "such as" in an essay

Look at this sentence:

In fact, there are many things that stress people out, such as, work and school and cause emotional distress.

The problem is that the phrase such as is used incorrectly. Here are some rules for using it correctly:

1) Do not use a comma (,) after such as. For example, do not write: …such as, work and school… Correct is this: …such as work and school...

2) Try to place such as immediately following the noun or phrase it modifies. Incorrect: …many things that stress people out, such as work and school and cause... Correct is this: …many things, such as work and school, that stress people out and cause…

If we make the corrections above, this is what we get:

In fact, there are many things, such as work and school, that stress people out and cause emotional distress.

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Difference between "forbid" and "prohibit" / "ban"

Forbid vs. Prohibit / Ban

If something is forbidden, it is usually something that I have been told (often orally) that I cannot do. Example:

I can’t play outside for a week. My mother forbid me. ( = My mother told me that I am not allowed to play outside.)

If something is prohibited or banned, it is usually something that is illegal or against the law. Example:

New York City banned hand guns in the city center. ( = It is now against the law to have a hand gun in the city center.)

Consequently, we cannot say this:

My mother banned me to bring friends home to play.

Correct is as follows:

My mother forbid me to bring friends home to play.

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The thesis statement

The most important function of the thesis statement is to answer the essay question. The thesis statement should always answer the question. Not answering the essay question is one of the biggest mistakes you can make.

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What does the phrase "get to know" mean?

The phrase get to know refers to the long process of really learning about another person and actually knowing him or her well. Many times this process can take months or years. Example:

Sarah’s a hard person to get to know. I’ve been dating her for almost a year now and there’s still so much I don’t know about her!

Be careful not to confuse get to know and meet.

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TOEFL tip: Use a comma (,) after a transitional phrase

Always use a comma (,) after a transitional phrase at the beginning of a sentence. For example, do not write:

First of all living in a dormitory is cheaper than living in a private apartment.

Correct is this:

First of all, living in a dormitory is cheaper than living in a private apartment.

This may seem like a small detail to you; nevertheless, it is a very important detail.

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Avoid making announcements

Avoid making formal announcements about what you are going to write in your TOEFL essay. For example, do not write the following:

First of all, I am going to emphasize on the contribution of the government to colleges and universities.

Do not use phrases such as I am going to emphasize, I want to say, I would like to stress, what I am trying to say is. If you want to emphasize something, then emphasize it. If you want to say or stress something, then say it or stress it. Do not tell waste words by telling the reader what you would like to do or what you are going to do.
A possible revision for the sentences above:

First of all, both urban and rural communities benefit from government contributions to colleges and universities.

Here’s another example:

Secondly, I stress on poor people cannot afford education.

Correct is this:

Secondly, many poor people cannot afford education.

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Eliminate unnecessary prepostions

Many times, the simplest way to write something in English is the best and most natural way of writing it. One way you can simplify is by avoiding the preposition of whenever possible. Here are some examples from your essay:

YOU WROTE: The appearance of the person
MORE NATURAL: The person’s appearance

YOU WROTE: a lot of characteristics of the person
MORE NATURAL: a lot of the person’s characteristics/traits

YOU WROTE: the status of the person
MORE NATURAL: the person’s status

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"Estimate" vs. "Judge"

Estimate vs. Judge

These words aren’t exactly the same. I usually use estimate if I am making a guess about a quantity. I use judge when I talk about the quality of something, especially about people. Example:

Some people say that it’s never good to judge a book by its cover.

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Incomplete sentence

You wrote:

With my experience of living in a  big city.

This is an incomplete sentence. Consequently, I removed it from the essay. It would be possible to say something like this:

Because of my experience living in a big city, I believe that…

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Using questions

Throughout the essay, you ask a lot of questions. This isn’t necessarily wrong, but it is a big problem in this essay. The idea of the TOEFL essay is that you use the language to explain your opinion. Do this by offering details and examples—it’s not good to simply ask and answer questions.

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"take it hard" vs. "learn the hard way"

You wrote:

I have taken it hard that a bigger city provides better chances and atmosphere for students to study and learn.

I didn’t understand this sentence, unfortunately. I didn’t understand the phrase I have taken it hard in the context of the sentence. Here is one possibility:

I have learned the hard way that a bigger city provides more opportunities for students…

Take something hard = have a difficult time emotionally because of an event or outcome. Example: John’s girlfriend just broke up with him. He’s taking it hard.

Learn the hard way = learn from experience, usually by experiencing failure. Example: Jen learned the hard way that the only way to get through the TOEFL is to study a lot. ( = Jen didn’t pass the TOEFL because she didn’t study. After she studied, however, she passed. It was a difficult lesson for her, but now she knows that passing the TOEFL involves a lot of studying.)

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Topic sentences in the TOEFL essay

A topic sentence is usually the first sentence of a paragraph in the essay body. A good topic sentence does two things:

1) tells the reader what the paragraph is going to be about
2) gives one reason to support your opinion (your thesis statement)

Here is your first topic sentence:

Why do I think this way?

There are a couple of problems with this topic sentence. First of all, it neither accomplishes #1 or #2 above—it does not tell the reader what the paragraph is going to be about. It also doesn’t give the reader a reason that supports your opinion. Finally, a topic sentence is not a question.  Here is a better topic sentence for this paragraph:

First of all, money cannot buy loyalty or friendship.

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Not such a good way to begin an introduction

The first sentence of your introduction:

There is a lot of debate about spending money.

This is not such a good way to begin your introduction. A lot of students like to begin with something like there is a lot of debate about… However, it is important that the topic is something that people actually debate in public. In this case, spending money is not something that there is really a lot of debate about.  Better is something like this:

There is a lot of debate about what the government should spend money on.

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TOEFL independent essay structure

As mentioned in a previous email, your essay should have four paragraphs:

INTRODUCTION
BODY PARAGRAPH 1
BODY PARAGRAPH 2
CONCLUSION

This is very, very important. If you do not follow this structure, the essay will not be a very good one. This is true even if your grammar is perfect.

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Beginning a TOEFL conclusion with "finally"

The conclusion should begin with an appropriate transitional phrase such as in conclusion or to conclude.  The transition word “finally” cannot be used to begin a conclusion-- finally does not mean the same thing as in conclusion.

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Short introduction

Here’s your introduction:

Unfortunately, money is everything this century. If you do not have enough money you cannot do anything.

It is not possible to have such a short introduction in the independent essay.

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Two unclear sentences from a TOEFL essay

You wrote:

At the same time, the blank of career due to military service makes life difficult as companies need efficient people who have immediate impact.

I didn’t understand this sentence, unfortunately. Here is a suggestion:

At the same time, when military service interrupts a career, life becomes difficult for individuals as well as for companies.

You wrote:

military service can ruin their knowledge reqcuired through classes.

This is another sentence that I didn’t understand. Here is a suggestion:

There is a chance that while they are in the military, students will forget everything that they have learned in school.

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Tip: make sure your thesis is clear

Your thesis statement is this:

However, I completely disagree with this opinion.

The thesis is unclear because the reader doesn’t know what this opinion refers to. It could be either of the following:

this opinion = military service should be compulsory

this opinion = military service contributes to developing maturity and building patriotism in youth

It is important to make your position very clear in the thesis statement. Here’s a possible rewrite:

However, I disagree with the idea that military service be compulsory.

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Using templates in the TOEFL essay

With regard to templates, I’m not sure what the McGraw-Hill book says, but the ETS TOEFL iBT Guide say do *not* memorize a text to write for an introduction or conclusion. Though I haven’t seen the McGraw-Hill book, I am willing to bet a lot of money that they say the same thing. No reputable book would ever tell a student to cheat. Indeed, it is very easy to see when a student is simply using memorized sentences in the essay. Avoid doing this. Of course, the essay has to have a format or structure—maybe this is what your book calls a “template”—and this is what it should look like:

PARAGRAPH 1: introduction
PARAGRAPH 2: first main point to support your thesis
PARAGRAPH 3: second main point to support your thesis
PARAGRAPH 4: conclusion

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Can you rate my essay?

A lot of students ask me to rate their essays on the TOEFL scale. I am happy to do so, but I have to stress that I can’t guarantee that the score I give you will be the score you get on the TOEFL. While my scoring is based on a lot of experience, it is really just my “best guess” as to how you would do on the TOEFL. That said, on the TOEFL scale (0 to 5), I would put your last essay at about 2.0. In addition to the problems with the grammar, the essay body was not developed enough: there is not a second point to support your thesis--there was a paragraph that supported the direct opposite of your thesis instead. This made the essay development and writing sound illogical.

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The cheapest product vs. the most economical product

Essay prompt: The cheapest product is always the most economical product.

Can you please explain this to me?

Sometimes we go shopping and see two products that are almost the same. For example, we see two red shirts: one shirt costs $10, and the other costs $15. Many people say that it is better to buy the shirt that costs $10. This way we save $5. It is good more economical to buy the cheaper product.

However, some people say that it is not always more economical to buy the cheaper. For example, these people argue that a cheaper shirt is lower quality and might not last as long as the more expensive shirt. Therefore, maybe the more expensive shirt is more economical. And here’s another example involving cars: Everybody knows that a car made by BMW is better than one made by Ford. A BMW is a higher quality car and we might be able to drive it for 500,000 miles before it finally breaks down. In contrast, if we have a Ford we might be able to drive only 100,000 miles before it  breaks down. Therefore, even if a BMW is twice as expensive as a Ford, it is still more economical to buy a BMW.

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Third conditional

There were two places in the essay where you should have used the 3^rd conditional.

For example, you wrote:

If I said the truth, the person would lose his job.

Correct is this:

If I had told the truth, the person would have lost his job.

(Also note: In English, we never say the truth. We tell the truth. This is a big mistake.)

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How *not* to start your TOEFL essay

Never start your introduction with “I do not agree with this statement” or “I agree with this statement.”  Your essay should be completely self-contained—the reader should not have to go back and look for an essay prompt in order to figure out what “this statement” refers to.

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Thesis Statement

Make sure your introduction has a thesis statement. This is often the last sentence in your introduction and is where you give your opinion.

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What's the difference between a manual and a textbook?

A manual is a short booklet containing a set of instructions on how to operate a machine, a piece of equipment, an appliance, electronic gadget, etc. A textbook is the book that students use to study and learn new things.

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"Military Service"

In English, we say “join the military” but “do (or perform) military service”

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MELAB Scoring Rubric

The other thing that I’ll say is that I recently read the scoring rubric for the MELAB. The scoring rubric is what teachers use to evaluate and score your essays. I looked at the criteria needed to achieve your score (I think it was 85), and the criteria needed to reach the next level (this is a score between 87 and 93). One big difference between these two levels is that there are no (or very few) errors in punctuation at the higher level. I suggest having a look at the last four essays that I’ve corrected—take note of the corrections I’ve made in the punctuation, especially with regard to the comma (,) and period(.). Pay attention to where they are used and the spacing before and after each. Maybe this will help you hit the upper 80s or low 90s on June 7^th.

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Difference between "careless" and "carefree"

careless = I am not careful and make mistakes. Example, “I am a careless driver.”

carefree = I have no worries in my life. Example, “Children usually have carefree lives.”

Also note: not to care about something = I don’t take care for it, I don’t worry about it, I don’t think about it, and it doesn’t matter to me. Example: “I don’t care about my body. It doesn’t matter to me if I’m thin, fat, strong, or weak. I simply don’t care.”

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What does "supplement" mean?

"Supplement" means "to add to" or "to enhance." Here's an example: "When I'm an old man I might have to supplement my diet with special vitamin/protein pills." And another: "Teaching English doesn't pay very well, so I supplement my income by correcting TOEFL essays in the evening."

 

Using Complicated Words in the TOEFL Essay

As for the vocabulary, I think the best advice I can give you is to use words that you know well and are comfortable with. When some native English speakers write essays or make speeches, they use big words or complicated language because they think it will sound impressive. It does sound impressive when it is used correctly, but most native English speakers don’t even know how to use these words correctly. Consequently, it just sounds funny when they use them. It sounds like they don’t really know what they are talking about. Moreover, a mark of a good writer is to explain complicated ideas in a very simple way that is easy for everybody to understand. In this respect, simple words really are impressive. One of the greatest American writers, Mark Twain, once put it this way:  “Never use a twenty-five-cent word when a ten-cent word will do”.

 

How to Prepare for an Essay Exam

You’re not going to like my answer, but I’ll give it to you anyway. Here’s what you should do: absolutely nothing!

Unlike a math test or a history test, you can’t really prepare for an essay test. With a math test you can memorize formulas. With a history test you can memorize dates. Unfortunately, with an essay test you can’t memorize all of the English grammar. The most you can do is to learn proper essay structure, and in my opinion this is something that you already know. The best way to approach the exam is to relax, stay calm, and don’t panic. Make sure you’re well-rested before the exam, and always organize your thoughts before you begin writing.

I’ve corrected a lot of essays from students whose first language is not English. I can honestly say that your writing is far better than most. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that I’m very cynical by nature. If a school or university gives a student a test to determine whether or not they have to take a certain class, my guess is that nine times out of ten the student will have to take the class. After all, it means more money for the university. Maybe this is not the case in reality, but it’s something that I often wonder about in this cynical mind of mine!

In any case, I wish you the best of luck on the exam.

Modal Verbs in TOEFL Essays

Try to avoid using modal verbs, whenever possible. They often make your argument weaker (and confusing). You wrote:

“There has been debate on whether or not technology can complicate our lives.”

Better is this:

“There has been debate on whether or not technology complicates our lives.”

In the first sentence, your meaning is:  there has been debate on whether it is possible that computers complicate our lives.  It is definitely true that technology “can complicate our lives,” but the question is this: “does it complicate our lives?”

Modals are tricky. Sorry.

 

Awkward Phrases and Conditional Sentences

Thanks for the essay. I liked your ideas a lot. Even so, I have to admit that this essay wasn’t as good as the one you wrote yesterday. There were a couple problems:

 

The first one was your choice of vocabulary words. The problem is that in terms of grammar there’s nothing really wrong; the native speaker, however, would use a different word. Here are four examples of what you wrote vs. how I would have written it:

1) “sometimes criticism brings anarchy to a society”--> “sometimes criticism causes disruption in society”

2) “it often contributes to the progress of a people” --> “it often contributes to the development of a people”

3) “criticism brings accountability” --> “criticism results in accountability”

4) “adverse work” --> “misdeeds”

 

The other thing you seem to have problems with is forming conditionals in English: the first conditional, second conditional, and third conditional. If you have a grammar book, I recommend spending some time studying this grammar because it is quite common in both writing and speaking. First conditional and second conditional are the most important.

 

Tip for Beginning a TOEFL Conclusion

Conclusion

Always begin your conclusion with a transitional phrase: In conclusion, To sum up, In summary, etc. This signals to the reader that you are beginning your last paragraph.

 

General Tip for TOEFL Essay Introduction

Introduction

From the first sentence, you should be introducing the reader to the topic. When I began reading your essay, for example, I thought it was going to be about optimists and pessimists. It’s best to begin with a broad (general) statement about the topic.

 

 

 

Comments on TOEFL Essay

This was a great essay. I think your writing in English has really improved. Only three comments for you:

 

You wrote:

“When parents repeat advice too many times, it may be a little annoying, but that advice is also for children's better future.”

I understand what you are saying here. However, here is a more natural way of saying it in English:

“When parents repeat advice too many times, it may be a little annoying, but it is for the betterment of their children.”

 

You wrote:

“They also make their children follow their direction with their way”

Another sentence that is awkward but comprehensible. We would use the phrase “listen to.”  Here is the correction:

“They also make their children listen to them.”

 

You wrote:

“their children's better life to associate with others well and to live in better life.”

I wasn’t sure about the meaning of this sentence. Here’s a suggestion:

“their children's future depends on being able to behave well and get along with others.”

 

 

"Dress" vs. "Clothes"

Dress vs. Clothes
Be careful with these words—there is the potential for a spectacular mistake. For example, you wrote:

...a person can be judged by the dresses he wears...

It is true that sometimes I like to wear dresses, but most men do not. Only women wear dresses.

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Comments on TOEFL Essay

You wrote:

“products could be a burden for people”

The problem is with the word “burden”—we don’t use burden in this way. We use burden in two main ways:

1) “burden” = heavy load, especially when it makes it difficult for an animal or machine. Example: “The donkey collapsed under the burden of all the…”

2) “burden” = something that causes great difficulty, usually over a period of time. Example: “The government is burdened by its debt.”

For your sentence, I recommend the following:

“products may cause a lot of problems for the people who buy them”

 

You wrote:

“First, cheap products are generally fragile”

Correct is this:

“First, cheap products are easily broken.”

(“fragile“= easily broken because of the material the product is made of. For example, glass can be fragile; a table cannot be fragile.)

 

You wrote:

“Companies cut their costs to make cheap products as much as they can”

More natural is this:

“Companies cut their costs to make as many cheap products as they can”

However, the meaning of this sentence is not logical in the context of the paragraph. Here’s what I suggest:

“Companies cut their costs to make products as cheaply as they can”

 

You wrote:

“sometimes they contain dangerous ingredients or are out of order”

I wasn’t sure what you meant here. The first part of the sentence is okay, but the second part was difficult. The main thing I didn’t understand was the phrase “out of order.”  “Out of order” means that some kind of automated machine for the public is broken.  For example, I can say, “the bathroom is out of order” or “the ATM (bank machine for getting cash) is out of order.”  Here is a suggestion:

“sometimes they contain dangerous ingredients and can be harmful to the health”

 

As always, I hope this has helped!

Many thanks,