Transitional phrase problem

One student recently wrote an essay that contained four body paragraphs. Here’s how each paragraph began:

Body paragraph 1: To begin with, performance-enhancing drugs...
Body paragraph 2: If harmful drugs were allowed in sports...
Body paragraph 3: Second, while it is true that athletes...
Body paragraph 4: Finally, there are ethical implications...

Do you see what the problem is? Here’s a hint: transitional phrases. One potential problem is that the second paragraph doesn’t begin with a transitional phrase. The main problem, however, is that the writer begins the third paragraph with the transitional phrase second. (Second should be used to introduce the writer’s second main point, not the third one.) It’s essential that transitional phrases are used in the proper order. Correct is this:

Body paragraph 1: To begin with, performance-enhancing drugs...
Body paragraph 2: Second of all, if harmful drugs were allowed in sports...
Body paragraph 3: Third, while it is true that athletes...
Body paragraph 4: Finally, there are ethical implications...

If you would like to receive comments like these on your TOEFL practice essays, you can sign up for a program here: http://www.cz-training.com/toefl/signup01.html

All essays are corrected by native speakers of English and are returned with personalized feedback on how you can improve your writing.